The Likes of Hull guide to not being a Meff this summer…

Ahhh where does the time go? It seems like only five minutes ago we were playing out a game of “who doesn’t want to shoot” with Luton Town to draw the curtain on what was a fairly dull championship season on the field but a more promising one off it, and here we are, sitting around, not really doing much. It’s without doubt the deadest part of the football year and there’s no getting around it. There just isn’t. However, the pain isn’t forever, there’s only a few weeks until we’re back in training, new signings are being announced, friendlies, new kits and fixture announcements. In the meantime, though, here’s the definitive guide to not getting right on everyone’s threepenny bits during the lull. Send your hate tweets as ever to @thelikesofhull and I’ll be pleased to reply. I hope you enjoy it…

  1. Stop pretending you’ve seen Premier League U21 play or have an in-depth knowledge of random foreign leagues.

Last season when we signed Harvey Vale I presumed he must have ten family members who were season ticket holders for Chelsea U21 and also supported City. I expected prime Iniesta to walk on to the pitch at the K-Com, not a quiet lad who the game passed by whilst he looked out of sorts.

Turns out he wasn’t 2001 Lampard and he’s more likely to end up at Met Police than Metz, I’d like to say this was a rarity but it really wasn’t. We could sign a lad from Greenland and before you know it @freezingcoldtiger will be posting youtube clips of him pinging a ball off an iceberg and declaring him the next big thing.

Here’s the thing. We don’t know. We’re just fans. Cyrus Christie wasn’t signed to any great crescendo last summer, but Dimi Pelkas was, how’s that work out? Sure, sharing the odd highlight or two is fine and so is the opinion of other fans, but take it all with a pinch of salt and don’t take yourself too seriously, because we’ll find out if the player is any good when he …. You know… plays….

2. Former Beautiful South singer Dave Hemmingway and Maureen Lipman are both born in Hull. We shouldn’t sign them either.

Dave has a lovely singing voice and would be an asset on a match day, with Lipman’s renowned acting skills she could fool unknowing refs into a series of undeserved free kicks or wow the opposition with a witty retort.

As ridiculous as these seem (they are a combined 139 years old and to my knowledge aren’t at home in a 4-2-3-1) this is merely following the maddening habit of fans waiting for anyone with a link to our city to get their UB40 and suggesting them. And a lot of the time with a ton of gusto. I’ve seen Sonny Bradley play for many years and he’s perfectly serviceable for teams that are around and about this level, Jake Livermore can probably get a step two contract somewhere and Daniel Batty was a good little player for us once upon a time. But no, no, no.

No thanks, and more importantly. We’re not some sort of strange fan led consortium where we all get a vote and end up with a bright pink away kit sponsored by ChildLine. We have no input whatsoever, thank god, because we (and I’m definitely including myself in this we) have no real ideas what we need other than positions and have no worldly idea how contracts and signings are navigated.

Let’s leave it to the experts eh?

Ditto for people tagging them in on social media to contact them. We’re not Jorge Mendes, we’re barely Jorge from Bamboo Garden. Nobody is going to look at their twitter notifications and join our club lads. Soz.

3. Leave the admin alone, they can’t announce a new kit until they get told to.

Poor old Twitter admin. They try so hard to keep us all happy at this club. Whether it’s a game of connect four against Bayer Leverkusen, capturing some fantastic match day content or just being very interactive with the fan base, I think we could all agree they do a fine job. But they like us are a bit stumped until the second week of June.

Therefore, no amount of asking, haranguing or grovelling is going to make them reveal a new Kappa top. So, let’s not ask eh? Especially if they’re sharing a Tiger’s Trust update or promoting season ticket sales. They aren’t sports direct mate. They’ll tell you when they are told to. Acun ain’t sitting on his smartphone ready to zing out the new away shirt and seeing how much everyone really wants to know about it.

4. There’s a bunch of teenagers doing pointless predictions on Twitter… swim on by…

@PNFC_4EVA on Twitter isn’t an esteemed and knowledgeable source of level-headed football predictions. He’s using his Mum’s wi-fi whilst she’s nipped out to her weekly Hot Yoga Session from the basement he lives in, and he’s trolling. Unless Ryan Lowe is the second coming of Pep Guardiola, Preston aren’t coming third as he predicts (beating his mate’s QPR team in the Wembley final)

Guillem Balague has nothing to worry about.

These. Are. Not. Predictions.

Do. Not. Answer. Them. It’s. What. They. Want. You. To. Do.

5. Please keep your “amusing” transfer sightings to yourself.

Zlatan hasn’t popped into Mr Chu’s you didn’t see Tan Kessler with Yerry Mina in Theiving Harry’s and Soyuncu wasn’t trying on a pair of Slazenger trainers in Branny Centre.

Although that last one…. I mean he’s Turkish you know? Stop it! You started to believe it could happen didn’t you?

6. Don’t post your holiday pictures. Oh, go on then do…

I’m a Mizzog. I admit if freely and I’m completely at ease with this fact. (Mrs @Thelikesofhull correctly calls me a football snob.) Most of the above Meff-like behaviours are pretty forgivable. We all want to know which players are coming in, or what the new kit might look like, we all get annoyed by silly kids with WFC or WBAFC in their name (the term I believe is “Accronobheads”), it happens. Just like the standard picture of you up a mountain with your blackout city third kit or watching the New York Yankees with a shop-a-check green away kit on. Of all the annoying “bored city fans” behaviour, this is imminently the least offensive. I mean, I don’t really care that you’ve dressed up your Alsatian in City training gear, but worse things definitely happen.  

I forgive you. Post away. Any excuse to lift the boredom…

Thanks for reading and have a great summer everyone! #UTT